It's day three, and while things seem much the same, there are small signs of progress. Today at lunchtime I changed to programme number 2 on my CI device. The audiologist has set it up with four programmes, essentially the same but each just a little louder than the previous one. By next Friday (my next appointment at RNTNE) I should be using programme 4. I haven't yet noticed a huge difference - I was expecting a big step up in volume, and to be squeezing my eyes shut to stop them shaking themselves out of their sockets! I'm thankful for the relatively small step.
It's not easy to get you inside my head to understand what I'm experiencing. It seems to me like nothing has changed over the last two days. But I look back at my description of what I was hearing on day 1, and I realise that I wouldn't really call the sound a "boom" anymore. It is more of a cross between a "clunk" or a "beep" type of noise now. I still experience vibrations when the sound is particularly loud. I find myself imagining what a sound should sound like, based on what I heard with my hearing aids, so sometimes I think I am hearing different sounds. But when I'm not anticipating a particular sound, then it does just sound the same. Same tone and type of sound, but varying in intensity, rhythm and duration.
My Mum goes home tonight, and tomorrow Stuart is away for the whole day with work, so I'm facing a day with sole responsibility for two little boys. I am thankful for Stuart's sister-in-law Clarissa and our friend Alison coming to help, as I don't know how I'd get through the day otherwise. The boys know, from a lifetime of living with me, that they need to wave, or touch me, to get my attention, but in practice they haven't always had to do that, because I would notice some noise - a voice, a yell, a crash, that would make me look over to see what was going on, and then realise they were wanting to speak to me (or often, in C's case, already speaking to me!). Right now, I don't hear those noises. My ears tell me they are being beautifully quiet and well behaved, and then I look at their faces, and that often tells me a completely different story! Once I realise they want to talk to me, I have to get right in their face, about a foot away, tell them to start again, and concentrate for the entire sentence. And the next. So far I've had short bursts of time with them, and always another adult nearby to step in and translate if I got stuck. Tomorrow morning, until Clarissa arrives, I'm flying solo. Without intending to sound proud, I've actually been impressed with how well I'm coping via lipreading only, but it's still hard work with an adult, extra hard with a small child, and it gets exponentially harder as the boys get upset and speak less clearly. Sometimes R will translate C's speech for me, as he does speak more clearly, and knows just a bit more what else (gestures, alternative phrases) he can use to help me understand. And sometimes C can do the same if R is particularly upset. So we muddle through, working as a team. Starting Monday I'll have much more time flying solo with the boys. And I'll be back to doing the school runs. That is scary if I think about it for too long. I just need to take it a day at a time. I'm so thankful for the many people who are praying for me. And thankful that I have a husband who works from home, who can spare 5 minutes here or there to help if things get desperate....
I have two sets of "homework" from the Speech and Language Therapist (SLT). One is to go around the house making regular household noises and noticing whether I can hear that noise. Flushing the toilet, switching a light on/off, rattling coat hangers, turning a tap on full blast, making the microwave beep, shutting a door, chopping veg, clattering crockery and cutlery as I unload the dishwasher. The list is endless. And I have to record in a logbook two dates for each sound. The first is the day that my brain first registers a noise: the click of the kettle being turned on? The clack of the keyboard keys as I type? Of course they don't sound like clicks or clacks yet, they are just my old friends (already, after just two days) the monotonous vibrating beep-clunks. But one day they will become a sound that I can recognise without looking. And that's the second date that I record in the logbook - when am I able to hear clearly across the room a particular noise, and think, for example, "that's Stuart's key in the lock as he arrives home".
This has been an interesting exercise, and the one where already I'm seeing some progress. It helps to have my Mum here, who has known me my entire life (fairly obviously!) and knows what I can and can't hear, and she gets excited when she sees me hearing something for the first time ever. And that helps me feel positive about these tiny baby steps, too. For example, yesterday evening, as Stuart walked into the lounge, I definitely registered some noise associated with his entrance. I made him stop and retrace his steps and walk in again. And again. Finally we figured out that I was hearing his trouser legs rustling against each other as he walked. Now there's two things that are amazing about this. One is that I would have been very unlikely to hear that noise before, with hearing aids, and the second is that I'd have had to have my ear about an inch from his legs to have any hope of detecting it. But I heard it (quietly, but noticeably, in a beep-clunk way) from 5 metres across the room! So already, even while my brain is still figuring out how to interpret these new electrical signals coming into my head, I'm detecting sounds I never heard before. Isn't that incredible?
One last observation I wanted to record here was that I'm noticing that really loud sounds, sounds that are loud enough and low enough for my deaf ears to hear, are not registering via my CI - because I'm hearing them through my ears instead. When given the option, my brain seems to be automatically choosing to hear via my ear canal, the way I've always heard, rather than through the CI. And this is why I'm not allowed to wear my right hearing aid for at least 3 months, because I need to train my brain to hear through the CI, instead of being lazy and relying on the old familiar (but very poor) way of hearing.
I'll have to write about my second homework from the SLT another time - I haven't actually done it yet - don't tell her, will you? ;)
It's not easy to get you inside my head to understand what I'm experiencing. It seems to me like nothing has changed over the last two days. But I look back at my description of what I was hearing on day 1, and I realise that I wouldn't really call the sound a "boom" anymore. It is more of a cross between a "clunk" or a "beep" type of noise now. I still experience vibrations when the sound is particularly loud. I find myself imagining what a sound should sound like, based on what I heard with my hearing aids, so sometimes I think I am hearing different sounds. But when I'm not anticipating a particular sound, then it does just sound the same. Same tone and type of sound, but varying in intensity, rhythm and duration.
Stylish in silver
My Mum goes home tonight, and tomorrow Stuart is away for the whole day with work, so I'm facing a day with sole responsibility for two little boys. I am thankful for Stuart's sister-in-law Clarissa and our friend Alison coming to help, as I don't know how I'd get through the day otherwise. The boys know, from a lifetime of living with me, that they need to wave, or touch me, to get my attention, but in practice they haven't always had to do that, because I would notice some noise - a voice, a yell, a crash, that would make me look over to see what was going on, and then realise they were wanting to speak to me (or often, in C's case, already speaking to me!). Right now, I don't hear those noises. My ears tell me they are being beautifully quiet and well behaved, and then I look at their faces, and that often tells me a completely different story! Once I realise they want to talk to me, I have to get right in their face, about a foot away, tell them to start again, and concentrate for the entire sentence. And the next. So far I've had short bursts of time with them, and always another adult nearby to step in and translate if I got stuck. Tomorrow morning, until Clarissa arrives, I'm flying solo. Without intending to sound proud, I've actually been impressed with how well I'm coping via lipreading only, but it's still hard work with an adult, extra hard with a small child, and it gets exponentially harder as the boys get upset and speak less clearly. Sometimes R will translate C's speech for me, as he does speak more clearly, and knows just a bit more what else (gestures, alternative phrases) he can use to help me understand. And sometimes C can do the same if R is particularly upset. So we muddle through, working as a team. Starting Monday I'll have much more time flying solo with the boys. And I'll be back to doing the school runs. That is scary if I think about it for too long. I just need to take it a day at a time. I'm so thankful for the many people who are praying for me. And thankful that I have a husband who works from home, who can spare 5 minutes here or there to help if things get desperate....
I have two sets of "homework" from the Speech and Language Therapist (SLT). One is to go around the house making regular household noises and noticing whether I can hear that noise. Flushing the toilet, switching a light on/off, rattling coat hangers, turning a tap on full blast, making the microwave beep, shutting a door, chopping veg, clattering crockery and cutlery as I unload the dishwasher. The list is endless. And I have to record in a logbook two dates for each sound. The first is the day that my brain first registers a noise: the click of the kettle being turned on? The clack of the keyboard keys as I type? Of course they don't sound like clicks or clacks yet, they are just my old friends (already, after just two days) the monotonous vibrating beep-clunks. But one day they will become a sound that I can recognise without looking. And that's the second date that I record in the logbook - when am I able to hear clearly across the room a particular noise, and think, for example, "that's Stuart's key in the lock as he arrives home".
This has been an interesting exercise, and the one where already I'm seeing some progress. It helps to have my Mum here, who has known me my entire life (fairly obviously!) and knows what I can and can't hear, and she gets excited when she sees me hearing something for the first time ever. And that helps me feel positive about these tiny baby steps, too. For example, yesterday evening, as Stuart walked into the lounge, I definitely registered some noise associated with his entrance. I made him stop and retrace his steps and walk in again. And again. Finally we figured out that I was hearing his trouser legs rustling against each other as he walked. Now there's two things that are amazing about this. One is that I would have been very unlikely to hear that noise before, with hearing aids, and the second is that I'd have had to have my ear about an inch from his legs to have any hope of detecting it. But I heard it (quietly, but noticeably, in a beep-clunk way) from 5 metres across the room! So already, even while my brain is still figuring out how to interpret these new electrical signals coming into my head, I'm detecting sounds I never heard before. Isn't that incredible?
One last observation I wanted to record here was that I'm noticing that really loud sounds, sounds that are loud enough and low enough for my deaf ears to hear, are not registering via my CI - because I'm hearing them through my ears instead. When given the option, my brain seems to be automatically choosing to hear via my ear canal, the way I've always heard, rather than through the CI. And this is why I'm not allowed to wear my right hearing aid for at least 3 months, because I need to train my brain to hear through the CI, instead of being lazy and relying on the old familiar (but very poor) way of hearing.
I'll have to write about my second homework from the SLT another time - I haven't actually done it yet - don't tell her, will you? ;)
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